Electric Tangerine

Thanks Liz! You're very right about the "pong!" part...Now I just have to come up with something...(that's the hard part :? ) Any suggestions on how to make it less ...

Pressed against the transparent walls, Like a confused and blinded bird, Pushing, leaning, heaving. Flailing, fighting, slipping down its slippery facade. Palms pale and sweating, Clinging, pleading..

I like your unconventional imagery a lot! It's very simple yet descriptive. Especially this one: dirty and trickling like dead leaves. I agree that the last stanza could use some ...

Well I really like some of your single lines especially : nostalgia won't save us from tomorrow: there are too many fragments to collect I would look for a different ...

thanks for the comments guys. Incandescence...can you elaborate on why L7 and L8 should be dropped? I'm looking into other changes too thanks again guys.

Behind the mask and smile bright, There lies a curse of awesome fright. The empty pits which are her eyes, Resound with silence of the skies. Her heart’s so cold, ...

I had the quotes like that originally actually. but then i figured that because it was the same person talking people might get confused if they had separate I put ...

Thanks Snoink. I like the idea of dropping light, it will read just fine and "day" so there we go... As for changing eloquence, it was supposed to be ironic, ...

yeah, i'll think about it, i wanted the "your" to stay, just cause it pushes the point a bit more, but thanks :D

Yeah I wasn't sure if I cut the "is" out of that line that you'd know what was going on...

Atop his steed sat Luxury, A cunning, sharp cut type, Painted lips formed painted smile, His stockings smooth and white. The silk brocade and silver shone, A richness rarely seen, ...

Thanks Fabien and Goldheart. Fabien, thanks you brought a typo to my attention! (That was supposed to be a comma :oops: ) And I think your addition helps the rhythm!

Their lies and deception cast a gloomy reflection. Hate and rejection gave you an altered perception, nothing is true… no, not to you. OK I really liked this stanza. It ...

Hmm...it's a bit repetitive like Siegfried said. The idea of having "young" and then "older" two lines down sort of confused me. I'd look into changing that. Basically I agree ...

*jumps up and down* YAY! It's just like Xmas! Sweet! *runs off to find them.* I'm also interested in abnormal psychology or criminal psychology.